First quarter moon

For almost 2 years now, Neil and I have been trying to have a baby. Month after month however, instead of a womb filled with life, I end up with eyes overflowing with tears and a broken heart. Each month, I think about writing this blog post, but then I think to myself "I'll write it when it has a happy ending." Unfortunately, there still doesn't seem to be a happy ending in sight for me.

My heartache has become almost unbearable. Last year, while waiting for our flight to NJ, I broke down in tears at the waiting gate because there was a baby in the row next to where we were seated. I just couldn't stop crying. People must've thought I was crazy. When we went to watch "Meet the Robinsons," I cried and cried at the end because I started thinking "That's us. We're never going to have kids of our own and we're just going to have to adopt a child."

It all just tears me apart inside. All my life, I've wanted a child of my own. I've been preparing for the day that I would be a mother, but with each month, I get reminded that I may never be one.

It's awful, but I hate all those women that get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I hate people who have babies, but can't even support them and I hate people who have kids and don't want or deserve them with all my being.

Somehow, I still hope that this blog entry will one day have a happy ending. Until then, my tears will flow with the coming of the first quarter moon.